Coming Home

Coming home is sometimes hard for me. When I come home, I revert back to my old habits which usually includes me acting like an ogre. (Picture Shrek, if you will) I like my alone time, and I like things done my way, and I like to not be bothered by other people and their needs. “Your just independent” some say. The truth is, I become selfish when I’m at home or even if I’m talking to people at home. Why? Well, my explanation for this is that it is the result of lots of anger that I’ve kept inside. We all have our rough life stories, and mine turned me into a rebellious teenager. Coincidentally, I was a teenager when I went through my rough patches in life. Outwardly, the most rebellious thing I ever really did was throw the mail on the ground after a phone call with my mom. A couple minutes later I picked it up and went on with my day. Even though most of my rebellion was inward, it still made an impact, and mostly on my ability to have relationships with other people. Over the past year a lot of the pain that I experienced in my childhood resurfaced, and God said Now is the Time to Deal with all of this. For me that really meant finding forgiveness for other people. I found some of it, and feel free from those memories, but some of the things still pop up like old habits. One of these old habits is being a pain in the ass to my mom. All my life I viewed myself as my mom’s employee because that was how she treated me, social distance, orders, and it made me really hate her inside. Yes, at one point I wasn’t even sure I loved her anymore. My own mother. So every time she gives me an order, my resistance of control surfaces and I get irritated and annoyed. Well, I’m tired of acting like this and God started showing me the actual importance of honoring your mother and father, and what it actually means to do so. The thing is, it takes a lot of work. I am like a trained athlete. You pace your race the same way, and break wide open at the end. Whenever you cross that threshold, you can’t help but fly. Well, when my mom gives me something to do, it’s crossing that threshold, and I break wide open. I think the feeling comes from not feeling like a daughter, and just feeling like someone who’s handy to have around. “Great, she’s home. Now I can get things done.” How about “How have you been child, let’s spend time together.” I feel pushed a side. This feeling of being pushed a side is the medium for a lot of my anger in my life. So when leaving to come home, my goal was honor my mother and father. Outwardly is going to be a lot easier to handle as anger in my thoughts just comes naturally, but knowing that my anger is coming from pride and resistance, it makes it easier to realize when I’m angry and why I’m actually angry. Then I can check my thoughts, change my response, and remove the feelings of pride from my heart, which usually includes appreciating my family. It might turn out to be the longest Christmas Break of my life, but if I’m not close to my family like so many families around me, surely it’s because my heart is hard, not my families. If changing my actions doesn’t solve it, then there’s nothing more I can do, and I can seek the warmth and love of a family in God, which is always there whether or not my family is loving towards each other. This might be the hardest thing to do for me in my life now. Coming Home.

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