God is crazy awesome and his blessings just keep coming.
After last week of financial exhaustion, coming to a place where I could depend entirely on God and not my circumstances, and seeing God provide for me anyway was super awesome. I became confident in God, that his plan is always greater than mine, and he provides us with good things. I was content with my situation, though I was still hurting from some past stuff and too busy to dive into it.
Quick story about that is, I’m planning on going to Vancouver, BC with my mom for 5 days and more so I’m planning on asking for forgiveness for hatred I harbored toward her as a youngin’ and giving forgiveness for her treating me the way she did during the divorce. I was in some pain because I wasn’t so sure I was ready to forgive her. I’m still harboring some hurt and anger, but hopefully over the next two weeks I work that out. So that pain was hurting and then I got a package in the mail with an entire box filled with Jesus. My mom pretty much put a gift package together of bible verses, verse book marks, bible magnets, a bible purse, and a card with bible verses inside. With the choice to forgive out of love and a package like that, I couldn’t help but think “How can I not forgive her? Look how much she loves me, look how much she cares about me following the Lord!” It was such an important blessing and reminder of how God has provided me with a loving mother who is seeking God as well. I’m still not entirely sure what my game plan is for Vancouver, but I’m excited to figure it out.
Friday I was at work, and I decided to check my financial aid letter and suddenly became confused by the number on the screen. The number of scholarships and grants seemed a lot bigger, so much bigger that I froze and just stared at the computer screen. Finally I looked a couple columns up and noticed another scholarship for 5,000 dollars had been added. In slow motion processing I began to put two and two together. My tuition for the next year would be completely covered! Quite a few months ago I had applied for a First Generation Scholarship through Iowa State where I was able to reflect on the struggles on not having parents who went to school and also the struggles I’ve faced over the semester. I went in with complete honesty, talking about how it had affected my relationship with my parents, the struggles of being a child of divorce, and even the hardships of dealing with sexual abuse as a child. It was really good to solidify my growth in that, but also just being honest about how trying to deal with challenges in life really does effect your scholastic development, and my grades had even dropped a little bit because of it. It was strange that I was able to use my life challenges in this way, because I often considered myself one with few challenges in life… I hadn’t really realized how much those things had affected me. On winning the scholarship, and seeing it was renewable for next year as well, I was shocked and stunned. This was the last thing I was expecting.
I was more shocked because I thought that God just wanted me to know that he was what I can fully depend on without money, jobs, or any material things. He didn’t have to allow me to get the money in order to count him as a blessing, I felt that way without it. However, this is how much God loves me… that he sent his son to die to offer a pathway to restore a relationship with me, and he wants me in the best place I can be to do that, which is here at Iowa State and in Ames. It’s so obvious how much he wants me and how much he blesses me.
The best part was just realizing that the path I’ve been walking my whole life was all a part of this. My pain, my struggles, my sin, my choices to fail and fall… it was all apart of this moment. I was so afraid that because of all my slacking off in school and having a hard time dealing with life, that I was going to get less funding for college and have to move home… God said… nope, I love you more than your failures and more than your sin… and I want you.
Praise God that he knows what it takes to win us… and praise him that he loves to give us good things!
I don’t deserve any of it…. but that’s what makes his love all the greater!