love: the preference given by the highest authority. I prefer you. God says these words to me all the time and asks that I find it in my heart to say them to others. To say “you have sovereign preference in my life” to people after him. I can have sovereign preference for God and I can feel that daily. Loving others, thats a harder story.
Loving my mother? the hardest story yet.
It starts by loving her, then it continues in me hating her. Is it possible? Yes. It is possible to hate, and hate in the worst way. And I did. Then it started to hurt, a lot more than I could bare. Then I started wishing I could not hate her, but it seemed written into my inmost being. Hate. It filled me and controlled my life. I started to not want to hate her anymore first when I saw, that though I tried my best to hide it, she started to notice and feel. My lies of love no longer felt real. I started to want to know how to love her when God started teaching me more about his love. My hate was taking his love for granted. So I started the journey to grow towards love with God.
He’s brought me to a really beautiful place.
I shared true, tear jerking laughter with my mom. The kind of laughter I usually experienced with my closest of friends, even God. I shared a comforting hug, the kind of hug I give when I don’t want to let go. I shared tears of sadness when I saw her for the last time and had to say goodbye; I love my mom. For the first time in 5 years I felt genuine, deep, true real love for my mom.
Where did it come from? When I felt it welling up inside of me, all I knew, all I could sense was this gift from God. Despite the path I’ve walked, the things I’ve experienced I can look at my mom and feel love because God has given me love to give. The other day I hung up the phone without telling her and I had regretted it as soon as the call ended. Today I spoke with her and it was the best part of the conversation when I was able to end the conversation and say “I love you”
How did it happen? Through God’s Restoration. He is restoring all things. With me, he is intimately restoring my heart. It makes me really excited to know a God who has such power to fill me with love I’d never thought I’d ever be able to feel again.
I will praise him forever!