To describe my feelings today I might say: frazzled, frustrated, anxious, confused, cold, sad, restricted, convicted, deflected. A whole jumble of things. I spent most of the evening in public trying to contain my tears. If someone were to have asked me what was wrong, it was one of those nights when I would talk about my crazy day, but I couldn’t really attest all of my dramatic and heart throbbing emotions to anything in particular. Yes, I felt stressed; but to pin point it, I just couldn’t find the means.
I felt the desire to sleep when I got back from my room, but Lord knows I’d just have spent it like the last 4 nights, tossing and turning, thoughts rambling and jambling; waking up still confused and concerned. Tonight as I sat on the bed at 10:30, I flipped open my textbook to start reading the chapter I had assigned to me about Radio and Broadcasting. As tempting as it was to enjoy reading that ( a hint of sarcasm) I threw my laptop case over my head and decided the only thing that was going to settle my array of craziness was the time with God I had been putting off for several days. So I stood up and put on my shoes, yelled to my roommate that I was going for a walk, and headed out of the house and down the street.
God wanted me to pray. I felt like I didn’t have anything to pray about. God wanted me to pray. Walking didn’t help. I found a bench swing and sat in it. I could feel God there with me, like a bright light you see with your heart not your eyes. I found myself wanting to be emotional, as only a few moments ago I couldn’t contain it, but now, here myself, I couldn’t muster a tear. I started to miss the winter months where I felt broken and clung to God, I missed what it was like to desire God and nothing else. It’s been a week since I’ve really felt that, it’s like my hearts just all out of love. I started to realize why I was digging deep into my past for remnants of pain, why every small thing that seemed skewed or offensive was being blown out of proportion, why dissapointment was growing. I miss God. I miss God being the only thing that keeps me going, I miss that closer relationship I feel like we used to have. I just haven’t had the desire to desire God. I wish I could look back on the few last weeks and say “God, I feel like I love you more today than I did yesterday” but I just feel like I love him less. I found myself praying about all the reasons God just shouldn’t love me. I’m proud, independent, self-centered, unloving, disobedient. I found myself asking “God, why do you even love me?” I didn’t get an answer. I seem to see God shaking his head “Silly child.” I have a lot to learn about life.
God needs us to get away from everything to seek him. My main prayer tonight was just guidance. I trust that God is taking me to glorifying places, but theres fear in my heart because I don’t know where I’m going or what I could possible learn. Taking time to just run away and sit on a bench with the fireflies and moths, thats what I needed. To pray, be still. He gave me peace and something to trust in.