It’s been a good while since my last post. Over the past couple of weeks I’ve been seeking how to need God, to seek God when I don’t feel broken; when I don’t feel like I need him. From missing my brokenness, to searching for more (the strangest feeling) God has recently led me to a place where I just need to remember what he’s done in my life. I used to praise him every day for the work he was doing, and I’ve just forgotten. The moment was similar to Mufasa floating in the clouds “Remember, remember”. I was riding my bicycle tonight through the deep warm air, and I felt a moment of clarity… no maybe not clarity, but a moment of realization. Only just a year ago July, I was at my breaking point: I had yet to forgive my brother for the offenses he committed against me when I was younger and I was still trapped in the turmoil of a broken family. There were countless nights and drives home from my internship where all I could do was just cry. It was the brink of every horrible feeling I had suppressed from the previous years and it was drawing me as close to God as I could ever be. He brought me from my desert and spoke soft tender words of hope, trust, forgiveness, and joy. He took me on a journey I never imagined over the next months, and now I often say that what God and the gospel means to me is just ability to breathe again, or maybe just being able to finally breathe. God saved me from lies that I had begun to believe that effected every portion of my life, and then he spoke authoritative truth right to it and set me free, rendering me peace. There were even moments when I felt blessed by my trials.
I must say, I don’t remember that feeling as much any more. That just shows how much I’ve forgotten.
I felt blessed to look at my life like the broken clay pot it was, and let God freely flow through my cracks; I couldn’t understand why anyone wouldn’t be completely overjoyed by the fact Christ had died and risen. I even shared my testimony in a public place and ended it off saying “Once someone asked me why I would let God take all the Glory. The truth is, I can’t take any of the glory, because I wasn’t me working, it was him” Even at that point, I still didn’t even know what God was doing yet. Later it turned out God healed/ is healing yet the relationship with my mother. I don’t envy other’s families like I used to, I don’t burn with jealously towards my brothers and sisters like I used to. Now I can help my sisters how to learn to love their mothers and fathers. Now I can help my sisters feel encouraged that their trials are helping me grow. One day I’ll have that too, I already know and pray who I’ll be that to, and there will be others. God is glorifying himself through my life, but if I forget what he’s done in my life, whats the point of it all happening.
God knows that I find no value in my life if its not bringing him glory. I may not know what he’s going to do, but I know what he’s done so far and I just need to remember, and if I forget like I’ve done, then I need to do what he asks and take time to remember.
Theres always lies and battles to fight and I need God ALOT, just to function and keep breathing. He’s designed me weak and needy that I would need him and find my strength in him; I’ve tried finding it in myself, but I just come up short, and still wanting God.