Fatigue: a common symptom of depression.
Despression: a common symptom of dissatisfaction with life.
Dissatisfaction with life: a common symptom of feeling like your missing something.
Feeling like your missing something: a common symptom of having an idol.
2 Peter 1:3 His divine power has given us everything we need for life and godliness through our knowledge of him who called us by his own glory and goodness.
2 weeks of fatigue, 2 weeks of depression, 2 weeks of dissatisfaction with life, 2 weeks of feeling like I was missing something, 2 weeks of idolatry= 2 weeks of confusion, lamentations, and weeping.
It took me TWO weeks to get to the source of the idol in my heart.
The idol: my parents understanding me.
From a basic glance this is not a terrible thing, asking that people could understand me. It speaks a lot about God’s nature, this desire that I’ve had in my heart. God wants us to seek him, and wants us to know him. I believe when he made us in his image, that desire came with it. Some have told me it’s a common desire with women… but I’m hesitant to believe that’s the case: correct me if I’m wrong. Our cry for intimate relationships with our families, friends, God, each other is a desire that has been placed in our hearts as an image of God’s desire for us to know him intimately.
My last post is closely related to this because the reason why I found myself unable to study was intimately linked with this idol. I have a desire for my parents to know me in a certain way, for them to know and understand, to comfort me, and defend me in a certain memory I have from when I was younger. I confronted them then with some terrible news, but they did not comfort me, they did not defend me, they didn’t want to deal with and neither did I so I gave up. I decided it was too much to deal with. If only I had stood up for myself I wouldn’t have this desire for my family to know me. I tried. And I failed.
If you try, you’re just going to fail.
I saw my studying as a reminder of this: so I avoided it at all costs. I knew I had to do something about it when on Friday I found myself in Lamentations, and being comforted.
But if God uses our failures to bring glory, wouldn’t I rejoice?!
Not if the relationship with my parents is more important than God, not if my parents knowing me is more important than God.
You have searched me, Lord,
and you know me.
2 You know when I sit and when I rise;
you perceive my thoughts from afar.
3 You discern my going out and my lying down;
you are familiar with all my ways.
4 Before a word is on my tongue
you, Lord, know it completely.
5 You hem me in behind and before,
and you lay your hand upon me.
6 Such knowledge is too wonderful for me,
too lofty for me to attain.
7 Where can I go from your Spirit?
Where can I flee from your presence?
8 If I go up to the heavens, you are there;
if I make my bed in the depths, you are there.
9 If I rise on the wings of the dawn,
if I settle on the far side of the sea,
10 even there your hand will guide me,
your right hand will hold me fast.
11 If I say, “Surely the darkness will hide me
and the light become night around me,”
12 even the darkness will not be dark to you;
the night will shine like the day,
for darkness is as light to you.
13 For you created my inmost being;
you knit me together in my mother’s womb.
14 I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
your works are wonderful,
I know that full well.
15 My frame was not hidden from you
when I was made in the secret place,
when I was woven together in the depths of the earth.
16 Your eyes saw my unformed body;
all the days ordained for me were written in your book
before one of them came to be.
17 How precious to me are your thoughts,[a] God!
How vast is the sum of them!
18 Were I to count them,
they would outnumber the grains of sand—
when I awake, I am still with you.
19 If only you, God, would slay the wicked!
Away from me, you who are bloodthirsty!
20 They speak of you with evil intent;
your adversaries misuse your name.
21 Do I not hate those who hate you, Lord,
and abhor those who are in rebellion against you?
22 I have nothing but hatred for them;
I count them my enemies.
23 Search me, God, and know my heart;
test me and know my anxious thoughts.
24 See if there is any offensive way in me,
and lead me in the way everlasting.
I read this psalm and thought Wow, look how deeply and intimately God knows and understands me. He has woven me together like a quilt, knowing and considering each stitch. I cannot escape him. He will not let me escape him. He is everywhere, holding me, the wind beneath my wings. Everything has been ordained by you.
I began to pray. Prayers to be satisfied in him and to trust him with this desire: knowing the beauty of it being fulfilled, but knowing that God is greater and better than any other desire that I could ever have. So out went this idol: Give it up.
After that my weeping and lamentations of this unfulfilled desire turned into weeping of sadness now that I had this idol taken from me… left over was sort of this hole. Wide open and empty, crying out for something to fill it. I stood in someone’s driveway last night and sobbed not for any particular reason, just for mourning. We had just song the song Father:
I want to be close to You
You alone can understand me
Look inside my heart and find me
I want to be close to You
You alone can satisfy me
fill the hole that is inside me
I cry with a passionate voice
I long to feel Your intimate touch
It’s You I need so much
I’m empty without You
I am empty without You
That was my prayer that He would fill the hole inside of me. Fill it with a nicy gooey paste mixture of love and joy and peace and thanksgiving, gladness, purity, and hope. Hope in that He works all things together for my good. Hope in that I have a trustworthy comforter who shows up for me time and time again in my pain. Hope in a God who wants the best for me and wants my heart to be in all for him. Hope in that one day I will join God and be will him and my soul will be completely whole. I will be in perfect union with my father and all of this because of Him, because of Christ. Praise the Lord!