My searching

I’ve started searching for you again
In the faces of poets, strangers, and friends
Hoping to find that sweet company
That’s mine if I’d just hit my knees.
It’s mine, if I’d just hit my knees.

I’m hungry for pleasure, for a hit of success
Something to tell me I’ve still got a chance
A chance for some worth, some value, some proof
That’s mine if I’d just hear your truth.
It’s mine if I’d just hear your truth.

I’m wandering deserts, feeling lost and alone
And I can’t remember which way leads me back home
I’m filling with anger, why did you bring me here?
You’ve caught me, and I’ll lend an ear.
You’ve caught me and cut open my fears.

Pride was my lover, my very best friend.
He told me of the glory that’d be mine in the end
He wrapped me up, bound, with a noose
Almost killed me, until I found you
Almost killed me, and then I found you

My searching, the problem, became really clear
It’s you, the one, I so longed to be near
No worth, no person, could ever come close
To knowing you, my savior, so dear
It was you who helped me see clear.

And in the end, when the best fades
I’ll be at home in some other place.
For all of my sins, couldn’t chase you away.
You’re happy in being my friend.
I’m happy, for that’s who you’ve been.

And I’ll praise you now, and in the end.

 

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More of me from you

They say you never know unless you try
And I’m finding out all of the reasons why
People give it up so easy,
They lay it down,
And take the pieces
Hoping somehow it will all repair
Even when the pieces aren’t all there
My trying didn’t seem to lead me any where.
Because I hoped you’d be standing here.

They say better to have lost it when you love
That there’s a sure comfort in the sum
Of all the ways you gave yourself
You held on fast
You lost the wealth
Of things, they mattered not to you
Because they were worth giving up everything you knew
But it’s harder now to clearly see the truth
That love was right, yet wonder what’s the use?

They say it will get easier with time
That love still grows and never says goodbye
But the times gone by
And we’ll I’ve tried
To do all that I can do
But my best hasn’t gotten over you
And I’m carrying around the pieces for the proof.
That I was willing to give you more.
And I sure gave you all of that I knew.

I can say it’s been a wild ride
There was time of joy within my eyes
A hopeful song
A beating chest
Buried within my bosom rests
These memories, the laughter and the tears
The journey packs up again though through the fear,
And I can hope or at least pretend
The unexplained goodbye is the better truth.
Because I learned more of me from you.

 

 

context: a song in the making after my strange month long dating soirée.

Note to future self, this was a good and humbling process. It wasn’t love, but it had potential. You learned more in these last four weeks about life (pain, grieving the past) than you ever really had before. Blessings to him as you both find what it is you’re looking for.

Dream

I didn’t know how to cry until I learned to dream
And I wished it never had a hold on me
Or that I had tasted the hope of that sweet symphony,
Whatever it is that I’ve always longed to be
Because I just can’t shake it. I can’t be free.
It keeps me from waking up to a newer reality.
I can’t stop asking , “God, what about my dream?”
Are my eyes too big for what I’m never going to see?
There’s just no grip for its practicality.
And the longer I go the more I want to know,
if I’m just deceived; thinking there’s really something out there good for me.
Like, how long do you keep hoping before you recede?
But giving it up feels like resisting gravity.
So I’m stuck between wanting to let it die and it killing me.
Day by day and years go by… and here I am still just trying to fly.
When are you going to believe you just don’t have wings?
Is settling what I need or is this an integral part of me?
My soul is contemplating if it’s really worth waiting…
if it is really worth it to dream.

O, But For Hope

To Lauren,


Some nights you end up in my dreams
and we embrace as if no time had passed
as if the words that’ve been said, hadn’t
and the hardship between us didn’t last
I awake from the sweet
trumped by the reality.

I wonder if I’ll see you in passing,
and if you’ll recognize my face
or if you’ll pretend you didn’t
and break my heart to pieces
and I wonder if I’d even speak to you
or if I could.

I said I’d be done begging.
I’m done searching you out.
But hearing the silence you’ve surrounded yourself in
makes me wonder if you’re drowning in loneliness
like me.

But maybe you’re fine. Maybe your new life without
is much better now that I’m not there to make a sound
maybe its really much better
trusted wounds, my friend
but I’d take a kiss
just to know you’re alright
or understand
why you left
or won’t come back
or why you hide
why this dread?

just one sound
and I think I could finally sleep.
Just one ounce.
Oh, how I miss you my friend.

Some nights you end up in my dreams
and we embrace as if no time had passed
as if the words that’ve been said, hadn’t
and the hardship between us didn’t last
I awoke from the sweet
trumped by the reality.

O, but for Hope that you’ll come home.


Who are you, moon?

“Who am I?” so says the moon
as he looks upon the tilted earth
restless and un-new.
The sun shining brightly on,
between the darkness colored hues.

Am I a reminder of the days
hastily whispering by?
Or the seasons as they stay around for a set amount of time?
Am I the bringer or the tide? Or is that just what I do –
still I ask the question, “who am I?”
so says the moon.

What if thats just they, telling me who to be?
What does a moon say about what we moons do or see?
What pleasures are of my heart versus whats bestowed upon me?
What hopes and dreams does a moon long to scheme?
Again I ask, “Am I who I am or just who I am supposed to be?”

Not that I’m dissatisfied being a reflection of the sun,
shining bright in darkness to the hearts of everyone.
Not that I wish to find some where else to roam
or that a purpose such as purposed solely cannot be my own….

But-
that maybe in passing,
a caring sweet unyielding thought,
they might look up
and dare ask too,
“So moon, who are you?”
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For Your Glory

I remember once I felt as though my life was a punching bag for Gods glory. That maybe he’d knew I could take the hits and glorify him, so he dished out the portion he did for me.

The greater truth is, regardless of whether or not that can be considered “fair” or right, Jesus was the ultimate punching bag for Gods glory in the cross… But not just his own sake but ours too as the letter to the church in Corinth says “Our light and momentary afflictions are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all”!

So, in light of my last post, here is “For Your Glory”:

For your glory:
I will taste the greatest heartbreak and much of greatest pain.
I will have seen the darkest places and walk out to live and proclaim.

I will have known the great despair that captures wounded lonely souls.
Hoping for a future or hoping just for hope.

For your glory:
I will feel temptation thick as sin and wring my towel dry in persevering resistance.

I will love another expecting nothing in return, giving until I’m spent, refreshed only by your word.

I will serve the poor or enemy you bring me along the way, knowing its to you I give and vengeance was never mine to pay.

For your glory:
I will live as though this is not my home and thank you for my life, Jesus, both now and evermore.

And I will speak of all these things: the hunger, joy, and tears to my lonely empty neighbors-

Oh, Lord, but give them itching ears to hear!

My Mother’s Story

My mom became a member of the our church back in Wisconsin and apart of that was sharing your testimony with the pastor and elders last week. My mom didn’t know quite what to say, so she wrote a prayer poem to the Lord… so I thought I’d share. To know how far my mom has come and all that she has been through… this is only a tiny peek, but I’m so blessed and amazed to have been in her life and apart of this story that it really makes all that I’ve been through worth it. Hope you enjoy my mother’s story.

Lord Jesus when I was little,
I knew just who you were.
Great almighty and powerful,
always willing to hear your word.

I believe you guided my parents,
as they taught me wrong from right.
Sending me to Sunday school,
and praying with me each and every night.

I attended Catholic Church,
I attended Catholic school.
There I learned about you Lord,
and the 12 most important rules.

Often when I attended school and Church,
I was not the happiest there.
I felt like I was being judged,
Like they were not being fair.

So it was then I fell from my Church,
That I attended regularly.
Tried to make it on my own,
and now its no surprise to me.

Yes Lord, I have stumbled,
Struggling through the years.
Looking hard to find you,
knowing you were always near.

Lord I come to you a sinner,
Lord I have made the most terrible mistakes.
Before you Lord I ask forgiveness,
please keep me in your grace.

When asked once how I found you,
the words seemed hard to find.
And then with thought, how it occurred,
the very place and time…

Yes it was in a car ride,
you know going from here to there.
Through the words of my little girl,
she asked me just to share…

When at first she asked me…
Mom, how are you and God today?
Was Christ my Lord and Savior?
Was it clear I knew the way?

I was caught a bit off guard,
Not sure of exactly what to say.
Patiently she heard the explanation,
that I thought of right away.

I assured her, Christ is my Lord,
he has always been in my heart.
That I have always looked to him,
confident that he guided my heart.

It was just then that I began to realize,
that there was so much more that I needed to do,
to make my peace with God,
and my Lord and Savior too.

I needed to make a commitment,
with all my strength and might.
To live each day with the Love of God,
and Christ as my guiding light.

I know that I am human,
and my temptations can be strong.
There will be times I need to pray,
to stay the path I am on.

Lord you are my savior,
its you I want to serve.
Make me your disciple,
help me to learn and teach your word.

Help me to learn your holy book,
search the words each and every day.
Help me to hear the sermon,
and understand this is the only way.

Now I stand before you,
God in the house you have built.
Please let this be my home,
now free from my past sins and guilt.

Lord I give myself to you,
I know you will guide the way.
Lord, each day know that I will seek you,
and give you all the glory each and every day.

Carry on in faith and love,
Teresa

Keeping Wisdom in View.

Somewhere over the last couple of months, maybe after one too many conversations about the need to be upfront and honest with people, I must have decided to give myself permission or find the need to be totally upfront and honest with people.

Sounds great. Until you, unfortunately, stick two people pleasing roommates with one roommate who, I’d say most unfortunately, can’t be pleased and even more so finds great (unhealthy) frustration in misplaced motivation for people pleasing. That’d be… me. What started off as honestly was soon tumulted into fiery insults and bad attitudes… and sooner or later I found myself wedging a huge vice in between some of the greatest friendships I have. What once was pleasant, joyous fellowship was now being choked slowly by frustration and a growing terror. What would happen next if they tried to wake the sleeping bear?

Somewhere a long the way, rebuke was delivered and so began the growing pains.

Do you ever look in the mirror and not like what you see? Try holding a mirror up to your heart once… it was so… disappointing. Oh, I know, I’ve been praying to grow in gentleness… but it was just like- Teresa, who are you?

A dear brother shared a verse with me one Sunday morning “When words are many, sin is not absent; but he who holds his tongue is wise,” he reminded me. Yes. I remember that. I used to have that one memorized and repeat it to myself daily. Now, I couldn’t even remember the reference. (It’s Proverbs 10:19, btw) What happened?

I started flipping through Proverbs and found good conviction and affirmation of my foolishness.

“A man who lacks judgement derides (ridicules, mocks, scoffs) his neighbor, but a man of understanding holds his tongue.”  (11:12)

“A fool shows his annoyance at once, but a prudent man overlooks an insult.” (12:16)

“Reckless words pierce like a sword, but the tongue of the wise brings healing.” (12:18)

“He who guards his lips guards his life, but he who speaks rashly will come to ruin.” (13:3)

Oh they go on and on! So why did this all happen?

“A discerning man keeps wisdom in view, but a fool’s eye wanders to the end of the earth.” (17:24)

I stopped keeping wisdom in view. Sure, I was reading the word… trudging slowly through the prophets as I’ve been, maybe flipping to the NT every once and while. But, storing up wisdom? Reading through the Proverbs? Wasn’t doing that. Wasn’t searching for it as for silver or hidden treasure, wasn’t binding it around my neck or writing it on the tablet of my heart. Just being foolish.

So what hope is there for a fool? Well, Jesus for one. He paid for my sin in all of this, painfully, on the cross. So, forgiveness and a hope of sanctification as I pursue him more and more.

“Blessed is the man who finds wisdom, the man who gains understanding, for she is more profitable than silver and yields better returns than gold. She is more precious than rubies; nothing you desire can compare with her. Long life is in her right hand; in her left hand are riches and honor. Her ways are pleasant ways, and all her paths are peace. She is a tree of life to those who embrace her; those who lay hold of her will be blessed. […] My son, preserve sound judgement and discernment, do not let them out of your sight; they will be life for you, an ornament to grace your neck. Then you will go on your way in safety, and your foot will not stumble; when you lie down, you will not be afraid; when you lie down your sleep will be sweet. Have no fear of sudden disaster or of the ruin that overtakes the wicked, for the Lord will be your confidence and will keep your foot from being snared.” (Proverbs 2:13-18, 21-26 NIV)

And so because I do what I do… here’s a song I wrote tonight. “Keeping Wisdom in View”

If I could take back
all that I said
and it could be written
by someone who cared
cared

someone like you
someone like you

I gave up control
and my tongue had its own
and I turned a deaf ear
revealing a fool
fool

and silenced the truth
silenced the truth

Wisdom won’t you come at my gate
I’m ready to let you in
For all of my friends might have thrown me to waste
unless I bind you within
unless I bind you within

My wandering eyes
led me, poor, in disguise
now truth is a witness
to uncover these lies
lies

now how poor am I?
Oh how poor am I.

Wisdom won’t you come at my gate
I’m ready to let you in
For all of my friends might have thrown me to waste
unless I bind you within
unless I bind you within.
Please Jesus, come abide within.

Here’s a link to hear it, for what that’s worth.
http://youtu.be/cJ400KmndOw

Carry on in faith and love, and wisdom!

Teresa

Hibernation.

my obsession has become a dangerous addiction
one that’s tempted to distort my own inhibitions
and i admit i’ve tried on my own will, conviction
couldn’t come soon enough to kill this belabored premonition

i was just trying to take the edge off.

but no one ever mentioned the way up the mountain
was dangerous, heavy, and steep
and that the path to the valley, though catalyzed by folly
was slippery, swift, and sweet.

now i’m not sure which way I’ve been walking.
and i’m not too sure I’m sober to see.

on this long lonely highway, many memories precede
but it’s this damned premonition that keeps on following me.
A truth I say I never wanted to see, but the much greater truth is
I just wish it would be.

And so much has stemmed from this dangerous addiction
One I try to cover with purposeful distorted ambition.
All I’ve caused for this journey is intense intoxication.
I’ve fallen in love with these secrets told to me;
could be just lies, but you see they’ve really just sold me.

and I admit I’ve tried by my own benediction, conviction
couldn’t come soon enough to bury this soul;
so now what I’m suffering is prolonged by agony
in awaiting the future. Unfold.

I was trying to take the edge off-
some lonely miserable existence.
I better hope this is just some terrible mountain climbing experience.
Or that your grace will be there waiting
when Reality sets in to replace my belabored hibernation.

Either way, I am ready now, Lord,
to face the wind and the resistance.

The Glory of Zion

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We have walked these crooked roads
and we have known no paths of peace.
Justice is a distant thought
and righteousness we cannot keep.

Darkness has come upon us, all around
though a brightness we hope to seek.
But fearfully we grope as blind,
stumbling we cannot see.

We are crawling, growling bears
moaning mournfully like doves.
Waiting for a day of justice,
waiting for when our salvation comes.

But it seems too far away.

We acknowledge our iniquities
our rebellion and our treacheries.
Our many sins that block out truth and honesty.
Uttering lies our hearts conceive.

Who will intervene?

Arise, shine, for your light has come.
His own he will redeem.
His glory, the Lord, rises upon you,
and darkness will not be seen.

Lift up your eyes and look about you.
Come near, even if you’re now afar.
Look and see your radiance beaming;
darkness covered by the blood of God.

Arise, shine, for your light has come.
Jesus, with power, has redeemed.
With joy your heart will swell and throb,
proclaiming His glory, the Risen King!