Field of Dreams

I walked tall through my field of dreams
enjoying imagining the possibilities.
When new flowers started to grow
I could feel my self let go of the old
that never made it through the storm.
I breathed in the fresh new breeze;
times of change, I might even be happy.

I watched longingly through my window
looking out at my field of dreams
soaking up the darkened rains,
we haven’t seen the sun for days
Yet while I’m waiting, a smile on my face
Could it be we’ve found better ways
to dream again and behold the pain?

It doesn’t take too long for while the windows all are open
A quicker storm spins through and tears the field apart.
You wonder what it was for once the damage has been done.
You wonder what you’ve gained by tearing up your heart.

I walked low through my field of dreams
laying all about in shambles.
Was it worth it for the joy,
though fleeting and now unraveled?
Is memory enough? Does it consummate the dream?
Was this the life I was made for?
A trail of scattered, broken dreams?

Maybe many months go by when finally I glance out at the field
New flowers have grown up and colors abundantly yield.
Tempt me as it may, I consider staying behind
But there’s just something there worth tasting and growing again
this dream I have inside.

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When I am at the end

I’d learned to love what I thought
was a hope that’d never cheat
but there wasn’t enough to follow through
I was cornered and fighting was no use.

I’d learned to live my life for me
at least that was what I could control
but even my mind felt like a waste of time
and my body couldn’t keep itself in line.

I’d learned to think if I was strong
that protection came from my release
and there’d be no need to rely on love
where the stronger hurt those underneath.

So you put it to the test. Where would I be then?
When all my strength is invested
When my control becomes ineffective
When my soul becomes infected
When my body is unrested
When I’m at the end
of myself
Will my hope begin to doubt?
Will I find a new way out?
Will I put my strength in men?
Will I hope in this clown
who thought there was enough to go around
but feels kind of foolish now,
now she knows that there’s no doubt about
who is really in control

Now it’s time to give it up, soul.
Take upon your back His yoke.
Lean in now, and let Him pull.
Your spinning tires were getting dull.
Because you were never enough
to make your soul feel whole.

And when we’re in the clear
and the end is drawing near*
maybe you’ll remember who to fear
your Savior, a love so dear
who gave you ears to hear
a hope to hold, unfailing.
Promises unchanging.
Comfort, not assailing.
All mine for the taking
as I arrived at the end
of myself.

 

*grad school

Anymore

Somewhere I heard a bird, in a meadow softly sing
distant, melancholy; a secret stolen dream.
It didn’t take me long, to arrive beneath her throne
the dream it kept her waiting so here she made her home.

“Why, little bird,” I asked, “do you soulfully sing?
If a dream is what you really want, go! Take wing!
Are you afraid of flying, or reaching a distant shore?
Why do you keep stagnant; when you’re capable of so much more?”

Somehow the little bird, it stopped and turned its eyes towards me
wrestled, worn and weary; without words I heard her speak.
“Is it so unfamiliar, to stay against all hope?
What is more enduring: to leave or remain home?”

I guess I hadn’t wisdom for the bird’s questioning.
Who was I to really say giving up was the better thing?
“But do you believe its right, hiding here alone?”
Ah, but she seemed to say, if you stay then I won’t be
anymore.

My searching

I’ve started searching for you again
In the faces of poets, strangers, and friends
Hoping to find that sweet company
That’s mine if I’d just hit my knees.
It’s mine, if I’d just hit my knees.

I’m hungry for pleasure, for a hit of success
Something to tell me I’ve still got a chance
A chance for some worth, some value, some proof
That’s mine if I’d just hear your truth.
It’s mine if I’d just hear your truth.

I’m wandering deserts, feeling lost and alone
And I can’t remember which way leads me back home
I’m filling with anger, why did you bring me here?
You’ve caught me, and I’ll lend an ear.
You’ve caught me and cut open my fears.

Pride was my lover, my very best friend.
He told me of the glory that’d be mine in the end
He wrapped me up, bound, with a noose
Almost killed me, until I found you
Almost killed me, and then I found you

My searching, the problem, became really clear
It’s you, the one, I so longed to be near
No worth, no person, could ever come close
To knowing you, my savior, so dear
It was you who helped me see clear.

And in the end, when the best fades
I’ll be at home in some other place.
For all of my sins, couldn’t chase you away.
You’re happy in being my friend.
I’m happy, for that’s who you’ve been.

And I’ll praise you now, and in the end.

 

More of me from you

They say you never know unless you try
And I’m finding out all of the reasons why
People give it up so easy,
They lay it down,
And take the pieces
Hoping somehow it will all repair
Even when the pieces aren’t all there
My trying didn’t seem to lead me any where.
Because I hoped you’d be standing here.

They say better to have lost it when you love
That there’s a sure comfort in the sum
Of all the ways you gave yourself
You held on fast
You lost the wealth
Of things, they mattered not to you
Because they were worth giving up everything you knew
But it’s harder now to clearly see the truth
That love was right, yet wonder what’s the use?

They say it will get easier with time
That love still grows and never says goodbye
But the times gone by
And we’ll I’ve tried
To do all that I can do
But my best hasn’t gotten over you
And I’m carrying around the pieces for the proof.
That I was willing to give you more.
And I sure gave you all of that I knew.

I can say it’s been a wild ride
There was time of joy within my eyes
A hopeful song
A beating chest
Buried within my bosom rests
These memories, the laughter and the tears
The journey packs up again though through the fear,
And I can hope or at least pretend
The unexplained goodbye is the better truth.
Because I learned more of me from you.

 

 

context: a song in the making after my strange month long dating soirée.

Note to future self, this was a good and humbling process. It wasn’t love, but it had potential. You learned more in these last four weeks about life (pain, grieving the past) than you ever really had before. Blessings to him as you both find what it is you’re looking for.

Dream

I didn’t know how to cry until I learned to dream
And I wished it never had a hold on me
Or that I had tasted the hope of that sweet symphony,
Whatever it is that I’ve always longed to be
Because I just can’t shake it. I can’t be free.
It keeps me from waking up to a newer reality.
I can’t stop asking , “God, what about my dream?”
Are my eyes too big for what I’m never going to see?
There’s just no grip for its practicality.
And the longer I go the more I want to know,
if I’m just deceived; thinking there’s really something out there good for me.
Like, how long do you keep hoping before you recede?
But giving it up feels like resisting gravity.
So I’m stuck between wanting to let it die and it killing me.
Day by day and years go by… and here I am still just trying to fly.
When are you going to believe you just don’t have wings?
Is settling what I need or is this an integral part of me?
My soul is contemplating if it’s really worth waiting…
if it is really worth it to dream.

O, But For Hope

To Lauren,


Some nights you end up in my dreams
and we embrace as if no time had passed
as if the words that’ve been said, hadn’t
and the hardship between us didn’t last
I awake from the sweet
trumped by the reality.

I wonder if I’ll see you in passing,
and if you’ll recognize my face
or if you’ll pretend you didn’t
and break my heart to pieces
and I wonder if I’d even speak to you
or if I could.

I said I’d be done begging.
I’m done searching you out.
But hearing the silence you’ve surrounded yourself in
makes me wonder if you’re drowning in loneliness
like me.

But maybe you’re fine. Maybe your new life without
is much better now that I’m not there to make a sound
maybe its really much better
trusted wounds, my friend
but I’d take a kiss
just to know you’re alright
or understand
why you left
or won’t come back
or why you hide
why this dread?

just one sound
and I think I could finally sleep.
Just one ounce.
Oh, how I miss you my friend.

Some nights you end up in my dreams
and we embrace as if no time had passed
as if the words that’ve been said, hadn’t
and the hardship between us didn’t last
I awoke from the sweet
trumped by the reality.

O, but for Hope that you’ll come home.


Who are you, moon?

“Who am I?” so says the moon
as he looks upon the tilted earth
restless and un-new.
The sun shining brightly on,
between the darkness colored hues.

Am I a reminder of the days
hastily whispering by?
Or the seasons as they stay around for a set amount of time?
Am I the bringer or the tide? Or is that just what I do –
still I ask the question, “who am I?”
so says the moon.

What if thats just they, telling me who to be?
What does a moon say about what we moons do or see?
What pleasures are of my heart versus whats bestowed upon me?
What hopes and dreams does a moon long to scheme?
Again I ask, “Am I who I am or just who I am supposed to be?”

Not that I’m dissatisfied being a reflection of the sun,
shining bright in darkness to the hearts of everyone.
Not that I wish to find some where else to roam
or that a purpose such as purposed solely cannot be my own….

But-
that maybe in passing,
a caring sweet unyielding thought,
they might look up
and dare ask too,
“So moon, who are you?”
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For Your Glory

I remember once I felt as though my life was a punching bag for Gods glory. That maybe he’d knew I could take the hits and glorify him, so he dished out the portion he did for me.

The greater truth is, regardless of whether or not that can be considered “fair” or right, Jesus was the ultimate punching bag for Gods glory in the cross… But not just his own sake but ours too as the letter to the church in Corinth says “Our light and momentary afflictions are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all”!

So, in light of my last post, here is “For Your Glory”:

For your glory:
I will taste the greatest heartbreak and much of greatest pain.
I will have seen the darkest places and walk out to live and proclaim.

I will have known the great despair that captures wounded lonely souls.
Hoping for a future or hoping just for hope.

For your glory:
I will feel temptation thick as sin and wring my towel dry in persevering resistance.

I will love another expecting nothing in return, giving until I’m spent, refreshed only by your word.

I will serve the poor or enemy you bring me along the way, knowing its to you I give and vengeance was never mine to pay.

For your glory:
I will live as though this is not my home and thank you for my life, Jesus, both now and evermore.

And I will speak of all these things: the hunger, joy, and tears to my lonely empty neighbors-

Oh, Lord, but give them itching ears to hear!

My Mother’s Story

My mom became a member of the our church back in Wisconsin and apart of that was sharing your testimony with the pastor and elders last week. My mom didn’t know quite what to say, so she wrote a prayer poem to the Lord… so I thought I’d share. To know how far my mom has come and all that she has been through… this is only a tiny peek, but I’m so blessed and amazed to have been in her life and apart of this story that it really makes all that I’ve been through worth it. Hope you enjoy my mother’s story.

Lord Jesus when I was little,
I knew just who you were.
Great almighty and powerful,
always willing to hear your word.

I believe you guided my parents,
as they taught me wrong from right.
Sending me to Sunday school,
and praying with me each and every night.

I attended Catholic Church,
I attended Catholic school.
There I learned about you Lord,
and the 12 most important rules.

Often when I attended school and Church,
I was not the happiest there.
I felt like I was being judged,
Like they were not being fair.

So it was then I fell from my Church,
That I attended regularly.
Tried to make it on my own,
and now its no surprise to me.

Yes Lord, I have stumbled,
Struggling through the years.
Looking hard to find you,
knowing you were always near.

Lord I come to you a sinner,
Lord I have made the most terrible mistakes.
Before you Lord I ask forgiveness,
please keep me in your grace.

When asked once how I found you,
the words seemed hard to find.
And then with thought, how it occurred,
the very place and time…

Yes it was in a car ride,
you know going from here to there.
Through the words of my little girl,
she asked me just to share…

When at first she asked me…
Mom, how are you and God today?
Was Christ my Lord and Savior?
Was it clear I knew the way?

I was caught a bit off guard,
Not sure of exactly what to say.
Patiently she heard the explanation,
that I thought of right away.

I assured her, Christ is my Lord,
he has always been in my heart.
That I have always looked to him,
confident that he guided my heart.

It was just then that I began to realize,
that there was so much more that I needed to do,
to make my peace with God,
and my Lord and Savior too.

I needed to make a commitment,
with all my strength and might.
To live each day with the Love of God,
and Christ as my guiding light.

I know that I am human,
and my temptations can be strong.
There will be times I need to pray,
to stay the path I am on.

Lord you are my savior,
its you I want to serve.
Make me your disciple,
help me to learn and teach your word.

Help me to learn your holy book,
search the words each and every day.
Help me to hear the sermon,
and understand this is the only way.

Now I stand before you,
God in the house you have built.
Please let this be my home,
now free from my past sins and guilt.

Lord I give myself to you,
I know you will guide the way.
Lord, each day know that I will seek you,
and give you all the glory each and every day.

Carry on in faith and love,
Teresa