Child of Divorce: Do Not Fear

I came across this article today.

http://www.desiringgod.org/articles/child-of-divorce-do-not-fear-marriage

My parents are divorced so it relates in that way, but most of this I hear ALL the time so I begin scrolling past all the “generic” truths about how I’m not bound to repeat the past, I’m free from generational sin, and blah blah blah (I’m being kind of dramatic), but then I got to the golden nugget of truth that God has really been rewiring in my brain these last 4 weeks: no matter how much healing I get, or truth I get, or wisdom I store up (which is good to do) – it does not protect me from suffering. There is no guarantee for me (or any of us) to walk into situations or circumstances (like marriage, parenting, or any other ministry) and avoid walking roads of suffering (including divorce). In fact Jesus promises that we will have MUCH trouble in this life. We are broken people.

I think more and more everyday God is helping me to let go of my fear of pain and suffering and helping me to walk knowing He is my confidence!

I am afraid of marriage. I think it sounds pretty awful. I think chaining yourself to someone and giving them the opportunity and power to ravage you makes me want to huddle in a ball in a dark corner of my heart. But, I also have a deep seeded desire and a great curiosity to discover what love and life is like in marriage. I want to understand Gods love more in that context, and I believe that is a righteous desire he has given me. If he didn’t, my instinct because of my fears would be to just sign the figurative contract to be single. For me I tend to think that no, it’s not so bad to never have loved at all than to have lost. Sorry Lord Tennyson.

So maybe God will lead me into marriage someday, maybe he won’t; but my spirit is becoming more and more convinced that I can’t say no simply out of fear of pain. And saying yes, for me, will mean yes despite or in light of the pain. Which will be a powerful commitment for me. I am not unaware of the potential suffering in store, I am more unaware of the potential blessings in store.

A dear sister (Christie) told me a few days ago, after a sermon on gender, marriage, and roles at a sister church we were visiting; that God gives us the strength in the times of suffering. God does not give us the strength to worry when it hasn’t yet arrived, but he offers us his confidence to be willing to be vulnerable.

So child of divorce (or any other circumstance), you do not have to fear marriage. Yes, but I may have titled the article: you don’t have to fear God leaving you in suffering though your heart and flesh fail or the other heart and flesh fails that you’ve bound yourself to. He, the Lord, is our strength, our confidence, our portion.

Forever.

If you only knew.

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Its been so long since I’ve let down these walls
or even pulled the curtain open.
Oh the light could shine through- my soul, if you only knew.

Maybe I built them up in vain,
to protect my heart from tearing apart
but, they’re there all the same.

And He’s asking me to let them in
but I don’t even want to put windows in.

Why should I let them see this heart You’ve put inside of me?
Its like they might actually love You- my soul, if you only knew.

In those memories of shattered hopes,
of empty dreams and broken scopes
of lonely tears, the lies that seared
of neglect and mountains of regret
from the people who could have loved me most dear- this is what I feared:

I didn’t matter.

It may have even been true.
I didn’t matter to see their love through
I didn’t matter though I lay in ruin
no one cared to ask and so we have fruition
of a heart beaten.

And I suppose You knew too
this life that stung You like a nail.
Yet, You were satisfied to see it through
because You knew how deeply the Father loved You.
And You turned the other cheek to those You didn’t matter to
all the while breathing this reckoning truth:

“It was all for you.”
My soul, if you only knew.